Realizations and Recollections
by lilghost
Summary: Tohma's autobiography (mostly about Yuki) and Yuki's in return (mostly about Tohma) surprize character note. Deals with suicide and mentions rape.
1.

            I can't believe this. Tohma is gone. He was the one real thing I was always able to depend on. We found his laptop, we all read the stupid reasons he did it. I guess they were good reasons to him. He slit his wrists. God, the ghastly image of his body laying in a puddle of blood on the floor, his poor little body pale and lifeless, and so cold. If there is one thing I will remember about Tohma, it's that his body was so warm when he held me. How could he possibly have gotten that cold? What's worse is that he died with that damn smile on his face. That goddamn fake smile that he showed the world and hid from the world behind. But never me. I was allowed his feelings; I was allowed his real smile. And now he's gone, and only now do I realize what he meant to me. Not nearly as much as Shuichi means to me; yes, Shu-chan, I do love you, even though I never say it; but… I definitely and undoubtedly loved him. And I didn't realize it until I saw him, so _cold_…

            I guess it's my turn to tell my story. My name is Eiri "Yuki" Uesugi, and I am an author. If my words become too big to handle, you need to go get an education. I was born in a hospital, and my mother and father were married. I have an older sister, Mika, and a younger brother, Tatsuha. I live with Shuichi Shindou. Hello Yuki-san! –Shu-chan. Exactly. I don't know how I deal with him. Actually, I do know, and it is a very good reason. I love him.

            Now, Tohma was my brother-in-law. But I have known him all my life, since I was born or so, so it's not as though he is just someone my older sister picked up. My earliest memory of him really telling me about his feelings was when he was 18 and I was 8. Now, his mom was dead, his dad was a dud, and his Aunt and Uncle, whom had custody, were royal dipshits, so he practically lived at our house. Finding him wandering our courtyard was not unusual, even if my sister was not home. Finding him wandering around crying is a different story. Tohma Seguchi was never much of a crier—went against his 'code of honor' or something like that. So, when I saw him crying behind a bush, I immediately went to him and wrapped my arms around his middle.

            When I was born, I was light brown haired and light-eyed. I was, in Japanese standards, a straight up circus tent freak. My father looked at me funny, and my sister pitied me way too much. Tohma had naturally pale skin, blonde hair, and round, green eyes. He was, in other words, a freak just like me. We got along well.

            So, back to my story. I wrapped my arms around his middle and asked him what was wrong. He gave me the entire story of what, exactly, had happened. Being eight years old and having no friends, I happily told him to stop crying because no one loved me either. He retorted that he loved me very much. Assuming he meant like a brother, as I was completely sure he was in love with my older sister, I told him that I loved him too. I will never forget that mistake.

            From that day forth, Tohma Seguchi was up my butt like a horsefly is a horse. And no matter how much I swatted, he wouldn't leave. But I liked it, really. Here was someone that really cared about me. He had been there when my mother had died, and he was there the day that I came home with a bloody lip, a swollen nose, and a black eye. But then he married my sister, and he wasn't there anymore. My world really came to a halt.

            I spent the better part of my teenage years trying to regain from various people the attention I lost in Tohma. My brother was becoming a monk already at such a young age, but I refused to touch the stuff. Nothing. I had nothing. So, I turned my attention to women. I found out that, with my odd looks that led many to believe I was a mix, and my natural flair for words and talent for touches, I could woo women five to ten years older than me. Problem was, I was also very fertile. So, one day, a girl came to me, someone I barely even remembered, and told me that she was pregnant with my baby. I told her that she was crazy, and on and on it went. Eventually, my rich brother-in-law Tohma gave her a huge settlement, and then I find out that she had a miscarriage anyways. Urg. Well, after that whole fiasco, Tohma took me up to New York to try and forget about it. My god, how stupid we both were.

In Tohma's memory, I will not relate the events of New York City. I will only tell you that I am a murderer, and Tohma is an accomplice. I didn't want to, it was for my own safety. But I am overstepping the boundaries, so I will shut my mouth now.

Later, in that Motel 6 or whatever, we lay there. I was sobbing uncontrollably; come on now, I had been raped and then murdered someone; and Tohma was holding me, telling me it was all his fault, and then he told me that he loved me. It occurred to me that he didn't mean like a brother anymore. Caught in the moment, so upset and young and used, I told him that I loved him too. He took me too literally.

I met Shuichi Shindou a few years later. Shuichi is annoying, loud, fagish, pink haired, and absolutely wonderful. He filled an empty hole in my life that I had been aching to fill since Tohma married Mika. I can't ever tell him all this out loud. Nope. Too much pride. Well, soon after I told Tohma that I didn't need him anymore, that I had told Shuichi all about New York. And soon after that we found him lifeless on the floor of his huge bathroom. I didn't mean for this to happen. If I had never met Shuichi this never would have happened. But Shuichi is just too breathtaking for me to let go. And I thought that I could have both of them, both him and Tohma. Now I see that that couldn't work. The stress that put on Tohma was too much, too great. And now he's gone, leaving me with all my realizations to deal with.


	2. Recollections

            I am Tohma Seguchi. It has taken me so long to be able to really admit that. My whole life has been playacting, trying to be something I am not. So, in this diary, I will tell the story of who and what I am. I have never been able to say these words out loud; I have never told my story to anyone, not even Mika-san. This diary will be the first.

          My life began unlike most; I was born in a hotel room. My father was not present, my grandmother and grandfather had no idea I was to be alive. My mother and her best friend were the only two in attendance, other than myself of course. I was born to Mariko Seguchi, a prostitute from the streets of Kyoto. My mother was addicted to no drug, and she had no self-esteem problems. She was not traumatized, and she was never molested. My mother was honorless, broke, uneducated, and unearthly beautiful. She used what she had. Her best friend was, thank god, a midwife of some sort, so I was delivered safely. Lord knows what would have happened otherwise. It quickly came to my mother's attention, with the help of my blonde hair and round-ish green eyes, that I was the son of former foreign client Thomas -----. So, she quickly named me Tohma. Her friend, upon inspection of my body, turned to my mother and told her—"This one, he's a piano player". I have always wondered if she was psychic.

          My mother died when I was ten. I had gotten little schooling before that, but she had made sure that once a day I practiced on the neighbor's grand piano, and that once a week I took a lesson with the matriarch of that household. When I went to my Aunt and Uncle Fujisaki's, they planned on making me stop. I exhibited a little of what I had learned, just once, and both were convinced that I be let stay in lessons. They paid for it themselves.

          I was 13 when little cousin Suguru was born. I had never experienced much family love; I was shunned at my mother's funeral. As an outsider looking in, I was glad I never had to go through that family's ideas of love. Suguru was put through a torture that everyone around me called 'life insurance'. Unlike me, they would say, Suguru was going to grow up to be something. I felt much like Cinderella, except that I was not noticed. Not until they day that Suguru sat down at the piano. He was, they all said, so full of potential, that he was to undergo lessons. Rather than pay for two separate sets of lessons, I was to teach my little cousin. 

          My fairy godmother came along not too long after. I was walking home from school, when someone grabbed my arm. I turned, and found a girl not too much younger than me, with long brown hair and a school uniform.

          "Why do you let them bullies pick on you?" she asked me. Something I forgot to mention—I was the schools punching bag. I shrugged at her. "Why don't your friend's protect you?" she asked me brusquely. Not in the mood to argue, I answered her truthfully.

          "Because I don't have any friends." Her eyes softened somewhat at this, and she put her hand on my shoulder. 

          "I thought so. You know what, Seguchi? You are going to come over to my house." I wondered how she knew my name.

          I found out later that she was in my class. I sat in front of her, which was probably why I never noticed her. I faced the front, always and always. Her name was Mika Uesugi, and she gave me cookies. I have always had a sweet tooth, and anyone who gives me cookies is okay. I was 14 at this point. Much to my Aunt and Uncles disapproval, I went over to Mika's everyday. They thought it was inappropriate for a young man to spend so much time at a lady's house. Being an adult now, I see that it was, and I understand. But then, it was my only getaway. Mika-san knew that I existed. She protected me from the bullies, and I helped her with her homework, as it turned out I was quite smart. We talked late into the night; some nights I would just sleep there, safe in Mika's warm arms. Her mother died when we were 16, and her father was busy. The people who worked for the temple, and the nursemaid whom was essential to her little brothers said nothing of it. To my surprise, they had watched me grow up next door, and they had silently pitied me. For the first time, I was not alone.

          My world came crashing down when I was 18. My Aunt, Uncle and I had had a huge fight. They kicked me out, and told me to 'go sleep with that little whore next door' they also said a few choice things about my mother that I dare not mention. Mika-san was on a date, and Tatsuha-kun was still very young and in the nursery. I was alone again, with free rein of the Uesugi temple. I sat behind a bush in the courtyard and, much to my shame, began to cry silently. I don't know how he found me, but soon warm arms had wrapped around my middle. I looked down, and Eiri-kun was hugging me gently. "Why are you crying, Tohma-san?" he asked me quietly.

          "Because nobody loves me, Eiri-kun." I answered, too ashamed at being found crying and too stunned that this beautiful boy was hugging me to lie.

          "You mustn't cry, Tohma-san, because you and I are the same. No one loves me either, because I am light," he said, becoming sad. The boy had always been very eloquent.

          "I love you, Eiri-kun." I told him. To this day, I don't know what made me say it there and then, but it wasn't the last time I was to say it.

          "And I love you too, Tohma-san, so I guess neither of us have anything to cry about." I had yet to learn what it meant, really, to love Eiri Yuki.

          I was 26. Mika-san and I had been married for 6 years, and we were very comfortable in the fact that we did not love each other. At least, I thought that we were. I was going to New York at this point to cut my very first Nittle Grasper CD, and Mika had asked if I couldn't take Eiri-kun with me. I explained that I had been allotted space for one guest for the 6-month period of time, and if I took Eiri-kun, I couldn't take her. She told me why she wanted me to take Eiri. There were two reasons, really—Eiri couldn't fit in well, due to his fair coloring; and Eiri had gotten a girl pregnant. Mika saw to it that that baby was never born, under my orders. I took Eiri to New York with me.

          Even in this diary, where I am to put my most secret thoughts, I cannot say what happened in New York. I can only say what happened before and after. His tutor was bogus. Two days after, holding Eiri-san close to me in a dirty motel, I told him for the second time that I loved him. For the second time, he told me he returned my love. It would be last time I was to hear those words.

          Two years later I was a rock star, becoming rich and being chased by fan girls. I got the call that year, my 28th year. I remember precisely where I was—sleeping with Mika-san because it was three in the morning— and I remember the precise conversation.

"Hello?" I answered sleepily.

"He… Hello? Is this the residence of Tohma Seguchi?" The voice fumbled with Japanese.      

"Would it be easier if I spoke English?" I asked in said language. 

"Y…Yes. Are you Tohma Seguchi?" the voice sounded strangely like my own.

"Yes, I am, but who are you?" I am not at my politest at three in the morning.

"I am Thomas Richardson. I am your father." Needless to say, my jaw hung slack. We met up three weeks later at my home. Mika sat next to me, holding my hand tenderly while I talked with him. He was a tall man, standing 6'2". He had messy blonde hair like mine, and big green eyes like mine. I expected apologies for all those years lost. I expected questions about my childhood. Instead, all he did was ask for money. He waited until I was a rock star to come find me. He didn't want a son, he wanted a handout. I pointed all this out to him loudly, before kicking the leech out of my house. I sat on my couch afterwards and hung my head and cried. No one cared about me.

It wasn't until four years later, when I was 32 that things really went downhill. I had my very own company by then, named NG, and was doing fairly well for myself. I had built an empire, really, on music and business. The name Tohma Seguchi struck fear into hearts of men and excitement into the hearts of women. Then I went to that damned ASK concert. If I had never gone to see ASK, if Sakano had never been there, it would never have happened. I things really could have turned out differently. But I went, and I saw Eiri, whose pseudonym was Yuki, and Sakano saw Shuichi Shindou. And, eventually, Bad Luck was signed under my label, and Shuichi had moved in with Eiri-san. I felt betrayed, but I knew by this point that when Eiri said he loved me he meant like a brother, which was what I was. His brother-in-law. He soon realized that I didn't mean like a brother. I really, truly, loved him, and lusted after him accordingly. I have done many, many embarrassing things to try and relieve the pressure of that all-consuming lust. He told… he told our secrets to Shuichi Shindou. I had not even told Mika-san all that happened, not even told my wife and life-long confidante, but he told that… that little boy! Like it was nothing but gossip. I could not believe it. And then Eiri was in the hospital. My life was coming apart at the seams. But the real kicker came later… after I had fired a top-of-the-charts band for him, I had given up everything for him, he told me that he had Shindou and didn't need me. What, exactly, does that little boy have that I don't? I know that I am good-looking, much better than that little pink haired buffoon. I know that I am smarter; I know that I make better money, and I know that I know Eiri inside out. And yet he chose Shindou-kun. How could he? 

What's even worse is that my little cousin, Suguru Fujisaki, that had _such_ a better future than I did, was in Shuichi Shindou's band, Bad Luck. 

So, I lay on the bathroom floor, typing this, contemplating the razor blade in my hand. The bad in my life so outweighs the good. But do I want to go out like this?  This just isn't the Tohma Seguchi way. But maybe it's time to ditch the Tohma Seguchi way. Maybe, rather than be Tohma Seguchi international pop star and CEO of NG, I should just be Tohma, the guy next door. I think that I want that. I want to be remembered as Tohma, the guy that always had the answer, as Tohma, the guy that would always help if he could, as Tohma, the _guy_. Nothing else. I hope that, one day, Mika-san finds this diary, and let's everyone read it. I hope that she tells my story. Because as of today, I will no longer be available. My recollections are too hurtful to deal with.


End file.
